Just got back from leadership camp yesterday, and I'm missing everyone so much. You bond so quickly, it's startling to someone looking in from the outside. The worst part is how this is the last camp in the whole program. There's Basic, (which I went to last summer), Advanced, that I went to over spring break), then Grad, (that I just finished).

On top of that, I find myself missing my ex. Right around when the breakup happened, I was pretty good. But, right before I went to camp (2 weeks after my ex and I ended it..I think..?), I found myself missing him a lot. A week after we broke up, he went back to Ireland for his cousins wedding (that's where he's originally from), and he'll be there for three weeks in total. I am told he comes back on Tuesday.

I'm mixed with I'm so scared/nervous to see him, but I also want to see him, and ask him some questions that didn't really get brought up when we officially talked and broke up.

He said the main reason he wanted to break up was because of school, and he wanted to focus soley on that. But, he never fully admitted to if he had just fallen out of love with me or not. He did say (in a little "fight" we had while being together over weither or not we should go on a break when he did go to Ireland) that we weren't "madly in love or anything". That hurt a lot, and I guess it was a sign that he didn't feel as into the relationship as I did.

But, he said that he loved me. And it was one of the those "I love you"s that you know isn't fake, that it's real. Then, a week goes by that we don't talk, 'cause we're both busy. The next time we talk, he says that he didn't want to be in a relationship when school got it.

God, I don't even think I miss HIM. I think what it's the fact that I miss being loved in such an open, unconditional manner. Because, when I was at camp, this kid was the last thing on my mind. I was living in the moment, in the way that I lived when I was with him and when I was happily single. Now that I'm back, and I'm missing everyone from camp, he's creeping back into my mind.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I don't want to admit to missing him. Even though I just did.
I'd much rather admit to missing those 50 campers and 14 councellers much more.